nice husband...

It's been one of those days... all week. Today is only Thursday, but I feel like it should be next Tuesday. One of those kind of weeks. Before I even got pregnant with Evan, I knew that I would likely not return to work after baby number 2. I mean, really, you have to make some serious cash to pay for 2 kiddos in daycare full time, it just wouldn't be worth it. Not to mention the heart wrenching agony I was in the first few weeks back to work after Averie was born. So, I knew this day, these days, were coming. The day I'd have to give my two weeks. The day I'd have to clean out my little cubie. The day I'd become a full time mom. I've been looking forward to it since those first few days back to work after Averie... so WHAT IS MY PROBLEM NOW???

I know what part of it is, well lots of parts, I guess. The first part... it's freakin' scary. I've had a job, and a paycheck, since I was 16. Had money to play with, go out to dinner with, piddle away on Starbucks and pedicures. My income has been our cushion, and now we've decided to let that go. Ultimately, this is the easiest part to accept. I am actually kind of having fun finding ways to save money, and Averie is loving all of the time playing outside and going to the park!

The second part... what in the world will I talk about?? The other night Rob was telling me all about work stuff. Venting, bouncing ideas, thinking out loud. And though I was there in body... not so much in mind. All I could think about was what am I going to talk about??? Don't get me wrong, I have BUSY days, but one can only talk about the park and play group and lunch time so much before it just becomes boring... to everyone involved. This makes me slightly nervous for the long term. I know that people do it everyday, stay home with their kids, and remain smart... I'm just afraid I wont. So, subscription to the newspaper to stay current on what's happening in the world... possibly in my future. Anyone else has a suggestion... let me know... I'll be a good listener.

The third part... and most difficult to accept... is that nothing seems to be going as I thought it would with my (former) employer. It just really makes me sad. I've loved my job for the past almost 4 years now, my job is the reason I went back to work after Averie was born, and now it seems that I was just another employee. Sure, I'm leaving on good terms. They said they'd hire me back. But it just seems that people I've been around more than anyone else for the past 4 years are like, see ya. Let us know when you'll be in to pack up your stuff. Ouch. I can't seem to shake the just got dumped feeling. And this brings me back to running.

Rob's had a lot going on at work, it's been awful weather, Evan- for some reason- has stopped sleeping for periods longer than an hour, even at night... all factors contributing to my lack of miles this week. But I need to run. I need to have time to just let all of my thoughts boil up and then to leave them out there. I need to just get it out. And Rob can tell. So yesterday, after I slept in later than I wanted to (see above reason for being tired), and started crying when I thought I'd missed my chance to get in a run before Rob went to work, he said he'd drop Makena off at school and then come home for a bit so I could get in a couple of miles. And he did. And I did.

I didn't go far, just a little over 2 miles, but I ran fast, and angry, and started to get some of this off of my chest... or the bottoms of my shoes... you know what I mean. I haven't run nearly enough miles to feel like I can take a deep breath about it yet, but I'm on my way. I love running for that. I love my honey for knowing that about me.

I read Michelle's blog today, 10 things that make you happy (http://www.giveagirlafig.blogspot.com/). I think maybe I should focus on this for a little while... because life isn't always like today... Here are my 10...

Evan's smile when he sees me walk in the room

Averie's little hand making the sign for I love you

Running in the rain

Cake plates

Waking up to the smell of coffee

Ranucculas

Napping on the beach

Wine

Big family dinners

A clean house